Nigeria. Money is very difficult to make in this country. There is no
point wasting our good energies, having argument over this. It is just
a fact. Do not doubt it, believe me.
According to the newest statistics published by United Poverty Agency,
over 70 percent of the Nigerian population are poor and unemployed.
Ok, sorry I made that up. There is nothing as such Agency. But it is a
fact, good numbers of the Nigerian population are ridiculously poor.
Pity. Not just the poor, even the "rich" can testify. It is hard to
hammer. People who used to feed well are now "watching weight". Do not
ask me the cause, you know the cause, we all know. Okay?.
You must believe me, do not doubt, to hammer in Nigeria is not easy.
Never, seriously never. It requires time, reasoning, efforts and emh
emh.....may be some stroke of luck. And you know what? Money is very
crucial in Nigeria. If you don't have money in Nigeria, you are no
number. Just nobody. Failure to hammer, with no reasonable bank
account, is to never have lived. Your pastor may have condemned money
in the strongest term, money is the root of all evil. Don't mind him,
he is deceiving you. That quote, he culled from the Bible, let be
serious here, this is Nigeria.Embrace reality.
Hammering is crucial-very crucial, I must emphasise. Everyone wants to
hammer, but not all have the knowledge to hammer. Do not worry, don't
lose sleep, I will teach you. I will show you.
Many have (and still making) made the unacceptable mistake of trying
to hammer in the wrong way. Everything has a rule. Don't make that
mistake, it is avoidable. Try it and get something, you may not
survive the mistake. Many had done it, you know what they got? They
got hammered. Tragic.
Don't be hammered like the 23 out of 60,000 Nigerians who left their
homes to sit for the Nigerian immigration service (NIS) recruitment
examination. Trying to hammer, they were badly hammered to their
unanticipated graves. Please, observe a minutes silence for their
souls........May their gentle hammered souls, rest in perfect peace.
Amen.
God forbid that this should happen to you. Getting hammered, trying to
hammer. God forbid, I say God forbid. Don't make that mistake. Please
don't. You are warned. Benneth has adequately warned you. It is better
not to hammer than to be hammered. It sometimes, depends on the type
of hammer, but whichever hammer, getting hammered is not a good idea.
You will enjoy it. Be careful.
Trying to hammer in the wrong way is extremely undesirable. Do not
think of it. If you dream of it, you must consult a "serious" pastor.
If you are a traditionalist seek "Amadioha", I am no joking. It is by
trying to hammer in the wrong way that a young girl got hammered at
"Alaba Lagos Phone" market. Her clothes ripped off, footage of her
getting hammered, circulating like Ebola on the internet. A grandiose
humiliation. Don't let that unfortunate humiliation befriend you. If
it woo you, Chioma Ajunwa. If it pester you, try becoming Usian Bolt.
It helps. Never let that happen to you. You must listen to me now,
stealing a handset is never the best way to hammer. What is handset?.
Forget it. Command the devil to get behind you, don't worry, he will
not push you from behind.
Thank you for accepting my advice. If you didn't, I don't know what
else to tell you.
Now How To Hammer Fast In Nigeria.
Church business. I know many people in this business. Sorry, I do not
like calling it business. Ok, let have it one more......emh I know
many people in God's vineyard. Perfect?.
You must trust me now. You really need to trust me. I am no Nigerian
politician, so I will not blind you. I will not deceive you. So
listen. You must listen with uninterrupted attention. Be not like the
NEPA, just be as steady as the Nigerian corruption. You may not
understand this, but it is important. It is crucial.
Yes, I must warn you now.If you are not brave enough to hammer, please
stop reading. It is not for the fainthearted. But if you are composed,
with a lion heart, good job.
.This is a solid instruction manual on how to hammer as a Nigerian
business man. Oh, forgetful me, apologies. It should be; a Nigerian
pastor. I am sorry once again.
My job is to help you learn how to hammer,and your job is to listen.
Please listen, I repeat listen. Getting hammered is easily avoidable.
Follow my guideline irrespective of its elementary pattern. It's for
your own sage. Deal?.
STEP 1.
Starting from the scratch.
I must tell you the truth, never will I deceive you, you must start
from somewhere. You don't build mansion from the roof. There is
something called "Foundation". It is not easy, I must quickly
emphasise. It was not easy for Barack Obama (not a pastor anyway), it
was not easy for Mandela, it is not easy for
..jona...jona...never mind. It is not necessary, but I did not make
that up. It is on Tv. I don't lie, never will.
But in politics, we need to talk differently. This is not politics,
so I am not telling you lies, you must start from somewhere.
Start from bus preaching. You need to train your voice , don't sound
like frog. Preaching is a big business. It is as profitable as oil
wells, take it serious.
Preach well and hammer well, preach pathetically and get pathetically
hammered. Simple.
It is not all about preaching, you need to dress well. Preaching and
outfit works pari pasu, note it well. Constantly remind yourself that
getting hammered is avoidable, oh yes it is.
Please do not disgrace Nigerian pastorship, you need good and tasty packaging.
Nigerians are not like Congolese that admire whatever you step into.
Nigerians are choosy and fashioning,you must work hard to earn their
admiration. This is Nigeria, I emphases, this is Nigeria not Congo.Do
not look like something that picked it's way from the slum and expect
Nigerians to regard you. Wrong move. They will be scared. In fact that
is a step in getting financial hammered. You will not sell and having
an impression of "a man of God" in their gullible minds is purely
unachievable. And that is a wrong step.
Must. Wear something nice, preferably a "suit"( official outfit for
this business). It does not matter if you borrowed it from a
neighbouring dry cleaner. Nobody will know.
But you ought to be careful, the real owner might be a passenger in
the bus you are preaching. Be smart, if he catches you-I pray not
so-quote the verses to verses. Ensure you lay emphasis on "touch not
my anointed and do no harm to my prophet". Don't forget this, it
helps. It has helped a business pastor before. I will not deceive you.
Deal?.
Now, you must be elaborate with words. Don't speak verbatim as written
in the Bible. You must painstakingly choose your words.
As a beginner, I do not expect you to begin your preaching oddly. No.Never you.
You will not enjoy the reception of the passengers in the bus. Don't
you know Nigerian problems.
Tell that young "sister" next to you that she must "get it" this year.
It doesn't matter what she get.
Tell that miserably looking conductor that gave you the privilege of
not paying transport fare that his story must CHANGE. Sound
convincing, be creative enough to include "thus say the lord". Good
start.
Bind, curse the devil, reject sudden deaths, holy ghost fire
poverty-you need this very prayer more. Promised that fierce looking
young man, bathed with heat, a "good job this year". You are getting
there.
Be careful, don't get carried away. It has happened before, so don't.
I am sure you want to own a private jet, own an edifice, own a
university, revered as "general overseer". I mean "GO". I am very sure
about that, so you must play safe.
Preach only good things. You are just a beginner. I repeat, "only good things".
Avoid the mentioning of thieves, smokers, lairs, womanizers,
politicians etc. It hammers badly, don't be hammered.
Do you want to run a risk of getting nothing from the envelope you
would pass round for tithe offering?. It has happened before.
I must...........................
To be continued on my soon to be published book "A LONG WHIP". You
will be informed.
All right reserved.
Follow on Twitter @BnSpeaks
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