THE AMERICAN BABY

You love all American things. It has always been your dream to have
him in America. Your husband is supportive and it is almost a dream
come true. You have told Mmachi, your friend, who recently returned
from Belgium where she had hers, that America is your destination.
Your baby must be an American, no going back. At all cost. Yankee is
sure.

But things begin to fall apart. Those devils at the embassy, heartless
fellow, unsympathetic specie of humans. A people who would never
reason from your angle. A people very determined to truncate your
dreams, to disgrace you and make you a caricature before your friends:
Madam Idowu-A business woman, always recounting her numerous travels
to Brazil. Mmachi; who just had her baby in Belgium. There is Tessy,
your coworker in the office, because she had her honeymoon in Ghana,
she wouldn't have you rest....... You have decided to outshine all of
them. To have your first baby in America. But this embasy's
devil-in-humans are over determined to spifflicate your beautiful
dreams. God will judge them.

Your husband has gone through a lot and he is showing massive signs of
tiredness. God punish devil, your enemies are at work. It is
frustrating, he told you, these people obviously don't want to offer
us the visa. You have seen depression in his eyes, but for he loves
you, he will always try. He endures the grueling and unkindly
processes of getting a visa. The humiliating interviews, the tedious
queuing, the voluminous documents and sometimes, the incessant
"anything for me" he clandestinely drops for that fierce looking
Nigerian fellow behind the glass case.

Your pastor is involve. Repeatedly, he anoints you with a reasonable
dose of olived oil, every Sunday, after service, shouting behind the
close door of his office "Your visa is coming, it is sure, believe
brethren".

Nneka, your junior sister in your village, Umuede, has informed you
about a powerful native doctor; Agwonatumbe. Just present a
rosy-cheeked male fowl, two tubers of yam and five anicteric cola
nuts. That's all. But your husband decline. He doesn't want a
fetishistic approach. He will do it in a Nigerian way.

At long last, the trauma is over. The Nigerian means worked. You
thanked God but sighed, frustrated by your own anger, and angry
because it is almost too late. You are due this month-judging from
your medical report. You are not concerned by the declamatory bribe he
paid. Or by the humiliating pleading he passed through. The visa worth
it. It is a sacrifice. Your husband is a good man and he loves you.

You are fondling with your papers as you wait for the long queue to
get screened. You looked up and observed the serious activeness
attending the airport's waiting room: the measured grateful smiles,
the silence, the exaggerated faux politeness,the anticipation and the
gasps of excitement when someone gets screened and headed to the
boarding terminal.

Ultimately came your time. The screening was quite commendable. It was
smooth, except for that custom official with bad finger, never
smiling, who promptly rejected your gallon of palm oil like a virus.
He didn't even care to know how much it cost, or the strenuous
processes Margaret your beloved mother, underwent at the oil mill. You
conceived a reasonable dislikeness for him and inwardly curse his
ancestors. This airport people are devils.

'Please seats tight, phones off, enjoy the flight'. Came a voice from
the loudspeaker.

The Plane took off.

The atmosphere differs from the airport's room. The conversational
mode of the plane cabinet, very cordial. You glance around: a man in
strong Yoruba accent taking about politics, corruption, bad roads,
poverty and wickedness of life, there is woman in the region of sixty
her face buried in a newspaper, your husband caressing your left palm.
Sitting ten seats ahead- about fifteen white men- presumably
Americans, uninterested in the conversations, only talking with their
eyes. You ponder why they alienated themselves from the rest of the
passengers and realizes that all are first class passengers. You sigh,
interesting people.

The Nigerian passengers are nice, you finally concludes. There is a
woman who asks after your baby in the womb, enquires to know the sex
as though she would cook soup with it.

There is a man who suggests altering the angle of your seat. It helps,
he says with a caring look.

The air hostess are nice too. They serves attractive snacks with a
moving smile. Asks if you need anything. Ask after your husband. All
smiling. You are impressed.
At least something to condole the daunting memory of the airport.

You are not the only expectant mother in the flight. There are many of
your kind but obviously, you are the heaviest of all. Did they
experience the herculean process you and your husband tasted bitterly?
Only if you knew the Nigerian means early enough, this embarrassment
wouldn't have seen you. See how people are staring at you like a
movie. You sigh.

Two hours into the flight, you observe a sudden urge to pee. You try
to hold it but it turns incessant. A stubborn very urge. Increasingly
urging. There is a commencement of cephalalgia in your head, muscles
contraction, excessive pains between your thigh. Pains everywhere.

The enemy has succeed. You couldn't hold anymore and let a scream.

The flight attendants surge towards you. Your husband incoherent. The
women passing encouraging words from their seats, exhortations
resounding in the air but the pain is unbearable. This baby is wicked.

'Seat tight!, we have a medical emergency, we are landing!'. A voice
from the cockpit announcing through the address system.

You wouldn't believe it is happening. The baby is coming mid air. Your
American dreams!.......

In pains, you curse the airport officials and embassy people for
truncating your dreams. You promises all of them whose hands
contributed to your misfortune a tragic end. All of them without
mercy.

The pilot makes an emergency landing. Three medical staff rushes inn
and next you are on a stretcher, languishing in pain, preying by the
eyes of some fellow passengers sending their good wishes and prayers
like it is going out of fashion.

Realizing you landed in Burkina Faso, your heart almost failed you. If
anyone had wish you this, you would welcome him/her with a pepper soup
seasoned with a powerful dose of rat poison. The enemy has won. There
are people who luck are synonymous to, certainly not your kind. If you
didn't know your land lady better, you would suspect that she is a
witchcraft. Or if your parents are dead, you would assume that a
destructive curse was placed on you by them, before joining their
ancestors. Unbelievable!!!.

In a woeful room, you are been urged by six stunt looking personnel in
medical outfits. Two male and four female, all speaking in a strange
language. This is not what you anticipated. Six months until this
moment, you had conceptualize having professional looking white
personnel attending to you in an overwhelming American English, urging
you to push. Now all are mere illusions.

Though this is definitely not what you wanted but you recline to an
evil delight in the sure knowledge that none of your people will know
of this misfortune. Your husband can keep secret. You could still come
back and boast about how lovely the American hospitals are. How
professional it's doctors are. Do a Photo shop, no one will know. Even
those tabloid news media ,industry of gossip, would only end up
publishing headline like "Women went into labour mid flight". This
shouldn't bother you.

As for the baby boy, God knows you did your best trying to get him an
American citizenship. It is not your fault it failed and when he grow
up, he will understand.


ALL RIGHT RESERVED. BOOK IN PRINT.
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The Nigerian God

Nigeria. Perhaps, the coming of the whitemen was not really as bad as
our convictions.Our intellectuals,all of them, all of us,may have
condemned the white men's coming in the strongest term.
Most of us,if not all,had sworn never to forgive those
redheaded people. Recounting our grudges:they stole our good muscles,
made them slaves of the located lowest ranks. Took away our women,
used our natural and human resources, killed our culture, christened
us monkeys,and wasted those who resisted.
Infact,I can fill this write up with weighty grudges and swears of the
people against the whiteman's rule-Colonalism.
But it will be wholly unjust to place such subterfuge on the
revolutionary coming of the whitemen. We must observe it from a
different lens; it was not really as bad as we think. The whitemen
came with something good-God.You must,therefore, forgive their sins
for teaching us God. For bringing us God.
If there is anything worthwhile Nigerians learnt from the colonial
masters, it should be God. And we learnt well.We made him ours. We
made the Nigerian God.

God bless the soul of the whitemen,they are forgiven, all of them.

God is merciful, kind and compassionate. The Nigerian God is superb.He
has power over all things, nothing is impossible with him. Cast all
your worries. It will be taken care of.

The Nigerian God is in charge.

Bring on your problems,Nigerian God will solve it. He can do all
things. You doctor, God knows your hustle. Bring on your problems, he
will answer. People must fall sick,pray he will answer. Forget that
enemy of progress, that wicked pastor in a distant church near your
hospital,he will not mind his business. The Nigerian God will visit
him and bless him with a paralysis of the mouth. He shall never again,
truncate your job. Whatever happens to him,it's not your fault. He
doesn't want you to chop,always making divine promises of good health
and long life. Enemy of progress.

The Nigerian God can do all things. For politicians, he can win
elections. By his grace,every dream works. In business, he is a
provider. It doesn't matter what type of business you do;he is
everywhere: casket makers, grave digging,etcetera. He answers all
prayers.Pray.

The Nigerian God can make you pass exams,just pray. He know the
answers even before the questions were made.

Dear sister, that fat idiot, you have been going with him and it has
always been safe. Just two months ago, he came stupidly, you warned
him. He didn't listen. Only last week, you didn't see it. You were
worried, and informed him. Idiot, what did he do?. Take this money,
take care of yourself. Thanks to Funke, you sister from another
mother. She assured you of a nearest chemist, a specialist in "this
things". You refused, God forbid!. She remanded you of your mother-the
chairlady of CWO; you Papsi a Knight of St. Augustine. You accepted,
seek divine intervention from the Nigeria God. He is a merciful God.
It came successful. You were surprised by what that chemist dude
smilingly told you. For five years, by his grace (the Nigerian God) he
has been successful in this business. No one has ever died of
complications. You should be thankful to God, you have a good friend
as Funke. God is merciful.

The Nigerian God is powerful.

He wins election. He assures journey mercy on bad roads. He causes
NEPA to give power . He makes bosses pay salaries. He manages the
economy. He stabilises the oil price. He is a retaliatory hitman (back
to sender).

In fact, I could fill this page with the possibilities and
capabilities of the revered Nigeria God. Just believe, and bring
before him your problems.

Follow on Twitter @BnSpeaks

The Small Nigeria, The Big ElderStatesmen

Mrs Christopher served a Vegetables soup. The aroma, nostalgically alluring.
Professor Mr,Christopher and his friend, Engineer Mike, a
revolutionary engineer from Ibadan, very kin in African politics;
always passionate about it, joined him.

The two men, long time old friend; a streak from primary school. As
they spell Justice to what was set before them,and as always been,
Mike attended the meal with the latest political drama in town. It
greatly drew the interest of his friend, the professor.

"You know my friend", Mike began, before showing no respect to a
morsel in his mouth. "If you don't take care of politics, it will take
adequately care of you".

"Yes ofcourse, it is a big issue". Professor concurred.

"Politics is killing us". Another merciless justice on a morsel of fufu.

"It is not politics!"

"Not politics, then what?".

"Godfatherism.bGod fathers are dangerous when misunderstanding sets
inn. You cannot assume politics is killing us just because our men in
agbada failed to understand the basis of politics".

"What is your assertion then".

"US, UK.....etcetera, name them, all plays the political drama. All of
them. But differently from what we practice".

"I see".

"God fathers are always the problem".

"How?". Mike looked engrossed.

"When you put someone in power as your successor, shortly, he would
fallout out with you. That's the root of our political problems".

"I see".

"Power can intoxicate and god fathers must accept this. You think you
are putting Mr. O in such a position so that he will do your bidding.
Arrant nonsense!, let him begin to enjoy the siren and other
perquisites of office, the power and authority inherent in that
position and see whether he will hear you again".

"Power can do wonders".Mike shook his head. "Is that why the other man
tore his membership card?".

"Attention seeker!. Elderstatesman indeed. We all know his records".

"A lucky man!".

"Attention seeker!, unfortunately the media is at it".

"I was surprised".

"Why?, why should you?. If a man can tear the legs of his
daughter-in-law apart, I will be the least surprised and the last to
be
amazed if he tore a worthless
cardboard".

Both men laughed at length.

" The Small Nigeria, The Big ElderStatesmen". Professor added in
between the giggling.

ANA Lagos Valentine Reading February 14, 2015

In the spirit of Valentine, we will have
special readings of works of special
people whose birthdays are in the
month of February.

Firstly, there will be a reading from
Adeshina Olatunji Olusanya's poetry collections "Heart Strings" and "Hues Lane."

It's his birthday tomorrow, the
12th day of February. Next we will take readings from Benneth Nwankwo, the
powerful new voice roaring in ANA
Lagos. His birthday doesn't come till February 22 but he is a
Valentine born, isn't he?
And yes, we will take readings from
Akachi Adimora-Ezeigbo's Heart Songs
and "Dancing Masks." It is the Prof's
birthday today and come Saturday, we
will celebrate her.

Therefore;

ANA Lagos cordially invites you to the Annual Special Valentine
Reading on February 14, 2015 at 2pm.

Theme: Writers and Lovers Even in Uncertain Times.

As usual, it is the partners of writers who will sit on the hot seats.
They will read their author lovers' works and give insights into their
writing processes and conditions. Come show us how much your partner
knows and supports you as a writer. If you want him or her on the hot
seat, please send a confidential message including names to
07046212280. There will of course be a brief introduction of the
concepts of the ANA LAGOS 2015 AWARDS and State Convention to the
Congress. And don't forget, bring along your roses, chocolate and red
wine.

SHOW OF FORCE; NIGERIA 2015 ELECTIONS

Please be informed of an impending security exercise tagged "SHOW OF
FORCE" by the government security agencies in the country being
carried out as part of the efforts to ensure maximum security before,
during and after the forthcoming general elections.
Thus, kindly find below the important information and security tips;

1. As at today, the Nigeria Police Force and other relevant
security agencies have been put on high alert and they are expected to
conduct periodic and random searches on people, vehicles and various
hotspots. Thus, we are therefore advised to cooperate with them during
this period; do not abuse security agents, obstruct their work, or
resist them unnecessarily to avoid unfortunate repercussions. We have
been informed that the Show of Force exercise is also a Shoot-at-Sight
order.

2. There will be restricted movement of people in the hours leading
to, and during the March 28th Presidential elections and April 11th
Gubernatorial elections. Thus, we are advised to observe and comply
with these directives for our personal safety.

3. We are advised to adequately stock our homes with required food
items during the election period, in case of emergencies, imposed
curfews or other threats that may arise after the elections.

4. If you are registered to vote and have your Permanent Voters
Card, you are advised to go early to the Polling Centers, get
accredited, cast your votes and leave the vicinity immediately for
your homes to await the results.

5. Please do not cluster around polling centers and stay away from
groups and bunching of people, no matter the discussion or incident
that may have attracted them together.

6. Begin now to gather information about your environment and feel
the pulse around your intended voting center. Study your polling unit,
and if it's packed with miscreants, thugs and unknown faces, steer
clear; remember that your life matters more than the vote.

7. Dress responsibly and avoid adorning any political attire, party
logos etc. to prevent mistaken identity and possible victimization.
Please remember that no campaign is allowed during elections. Avoid
wearing politically branded T shirts, caps or bearing handbills,
posters, pamphlets and banners of candidates. This can pose as a risk.

8. Avoid joining in on inciting discussions at the voting center
which may be capable of fanning the embers of political discords
amongst the political parties and their agents.

9. Stay away from parked cars and abandoned packages, luggage etc.

10. Do not buy drinks, snacks, etc. around polling centers, nor should
you share/receive consumables or gifts from anyone at the polling
centers. If you sense danger or suspect any foul play, report to the
approved Security Agents. Don't take the law into your own hands!

11. Avoid taking your vehicle, kids or expensive jewelries and other
personal belongings to the polling centers.

12. As part of our security arrangements, our church halls will be
evacuated after every church service within 1 hour. Brethren will not
be allowed to hang or cluster around the church hall or entrances
after services or programs.

13. Vehicles will not be allowed to park close to the entrances of the
church facilities for pick up or drop off.
You are encouraged to be extra-vigilant and law-abiding during this period.

Further information will be provided as the elections draw near.

Take this information very serious.
Share with people.

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If MKO Abiola should die in detention| Adurosakin Olajide Writes

If MKO Abiola should die in detention,
that's the end of Nigeria. He died, and
the World continued to rotate round the
sun and on its own axis. May his Soul
find good repose with Allah.

If Dr Goodluck Ebele Jonathan GCFR
contested for the Presidency in 2011,
either the Northern PDP consensus
candidate or the CPC Northern
candidate will spifflicate him. He won
them both.

If Mr Peter Ayo Fayose won the Ekiti
State Gubernatorial elections, he will not
govern. As I type these words, Fayose is
Ekiti Governor.

And there were so many ifs that were
defied! And nada happened.

And now...

If the February 14 Nigerian Presidential
elections were postponed, Heaven will fall
down is the latest song in town.

If it were deemed necessary by the
appropriate authorities, it shall be
postponed and the sun will continue to
rise in the East.

No ragtag 'Opposition' will determine the
direction and future of Nigeria. If and
when they form their parallel
Government after their loss, they may
determine the imaginary Government's
direction.

All that is foul is fair in War and Politics

GEJ2015-2019.

I still dey come...
AOB
VII/II/MMXV

DISCLAIMER; BN BLOG accepts no
liability for the content of this post,
or for the consequences of any
actions taken on the basis of the
information provided. Any views or
opinions presented in this post are
solely those of the writer
(Adurosakin Olajide )
and do not necessarily
represent BN BLOG.

Furthermore, BN BLOG will not
accept any liability in respect of
such communication, and the
writer responsible will be personally
liable for any damages or other
liability arising.

Follow On Twitter @Bnspeaks

BENNETH'S LONG WHIP; HOW TO HAMMER QUICKLY IN NIGERIA.

Nigeria. Money is very difficult to make in this country. There is no
point wasting our good energies, having argument over this. It is just
a fact. Do not doubt it, believe me.

According to the newest statistics published by United Poverty Agency,
over 70 percent of the Nigerian population are poor and unemployed.
Ok, sorry I made that up. There is nothing as such Agency. But it is a
fact, good numbers of the Nigerian population are ridiculously poor.
Pity. Not just the poor, even the "rich" can testify. It is hard to
hammer. People who used to feed well are now "watching weight". Do not
ask me the cause, you know the cause, we all know. Okay?.

You must believe me, do not doubt, to hammer in Nigeria is not easy.
Never, seriously never. It requires time, reasoning, efforts and emh
emh.....may be some stroke of luck. And you know what? Money is very
crucial in Nigeria. If you don't have money in Nigeria, you are no
number. Just nobody. Failure to hammer, with no reasonable bank
account, is to never have lived. Your pastor may have condemned money
in the strongest term, money is the root of all evil. Don't mind him,
he is deceiving you. That quote, he culled from the Bible, let be
serious here, this is Nigeria.Embrace reality.

Hammering is crucial-very crucial, I must emphasise. Everyone wants to
hammer, but not all have the knowledge to hammer. Do not worry, don't
lose sleep, I will teach you. I will show you.

Many have (and still making) made the unacceptable mistake of trying
to hammer in the wrong way. Everything has a rule. Don't make that
mistake, it is avoidable. Try it and get something, you may not
survive the mistake. Many had done it, you know what they got? They
got hammered. Tragic.

Don't be hammered like the 23 out of 60,000 Nigerians who left their
homes to sit for the Nigerian immigration service (NIS) recruitment
examination. Trying to hammer, they were badly hammered to their
unanticipated graves. Please, observe a minutes silence for their
souls........May their gentle hammered souls, rest in perfect peace.
Amen.
God forbid that this should happen to you. Getting hammered, trying to
hammer. God forbid, I say God forbid. Don't make that mistake. Please
don't. You are warned. Benneth has adequately warned you. It is better
not to hammer than to be hammered. It sometimes, depends on the type
of hammer, but whichever hammer, getting hammered is not a good idea.
You will enjoy it. Be careful.

Trying to hammer in the wrong way is extremely undesirable. Do not
think of it. If you dream of it, you must consult a "serious" pastor.
If you are a traditionalist seek "Amadioha", I am no joking. It is by
trying to hammer in the wrong way that a young girl got hammered at
"Alaba Lagos Phone" market. Her clothes ripped off, footage of her
getting hammered, circulating like Ebola on the internet. A grandiose
humiliation. Don't let that unfortunate humiliation befriend you. If
it woo you, Chioma Ajunwa. If it pester you, try becoming Usian Bolt.
It helps. Never let that happen to you. You must listen to me now,
stealing a handset is never the best way to hammer. What is handset?.
Forget it. Command the devil to get behind you, don't worry, he will
not push you from behind.
Thank you for accepting my advice. If you didn't, I don't know what
else to tell you.

Now How To Hammer Fast In Nigeria.

Church business. I know many people in this business. Sorry, I do not
like calling it business. Ok, let have it one more......emh I know
many people in God's vineyard. Perfect?.

You must trust me now. You really need to trust me. I am no Nigerian
politician, so I will not blind you. I will not deceive you. So
listen. You must listen with uninterrupted attention. Be not like the
NEPA, just be as steady as the Nigerian corruption. You may not
understand this, but it is important. It is crucial.

Yes, I must warn you now.If you are not brave enough to hammer, please
stop reading. It is not for the fainthearted. But if you are composed,
with a lion heart, good job.

.This is a solid instruction manual on how to hammer as a Nigerian
business man. Oh, forgetful me, apologies. It should be; a Nigerian
pastor. I am sorry once again.
My job is to help you learn how to hammer,and your job is to listen.
Please listen, I repeat listen. Getting hammered is easily avoidable.
Follow my guideline irrespective of its elementary pattern. It's for
your own sage. Deal?.

STEP 1.

Starting from the scratch.
I must tell you the truth, never will I deceive you, you must start
from somewhere. You don't build mansion from the roof. There is
something called "Foundation". It is not easy, I must quickly
emphasise. It was not easy for Barack Obama (not a pastor anyway), it
was not easy for Mandela, it is not easy for
..jona...jona...never mind. It is not necessary, but I did not make
that up. It is on Tv. I don't lie, never will.

But in politics, we need to talk differently. This is not politics,
so I am not telling you lies, you must start from somewhere.
Start from bus preaching. You need to train your voice , don't sound
like frog. Preaching is a big business. It is as profitable as oil
wells, take it serious.
Preach well and hammer well, preach pathetically and get pathetically
hammered. Simple.
It is not all about preaching, you need to dress well. Preaching and
outfit works pari pasu, note it well. Constantly remind yourself that
getting hammered is avoidable, oh yes it is.
Please do not disgrace Nigerian pastorship, you need good and tasty packaging.
Nigerians are not like Congolese that admire whatever you step into.
Nigerians are choosy and fashioning,you must work hard to earn their
admiration. This is Nigeria, I emphases, this is Nigeria not Congo.Do
not look like something that picked it's way from the slum and expect
Nigerians to regard you. Wrong move. They will be scared. In fact that
is a step in getting financial hammered. You will not sell and having
an impression of "a man of God" in their gullible minds is purely
unachievable. And that is a wrong step.
Must. Wear something nice, preferably a "suit"( official outfit for
this business). It does not matter if you borrowed it from a
neighbouring dry cleaner. Nobody will know.
But you ought to be careful, the real owner might be a passenger in
the bus you are preaching. Be smart, if he catches you-I pray not
so-quote the verses to verses. Ensure you lay emphasis on "touch not
my anointed and do no harm to my prophet". Don't forget this, it
helps. It has helped a business pastor before. I will not deceive you.
Deal?.

Now, you must be elaborate with words. Don't speak verbatim as written
in the Bible. You must painstakingly choose your words.
As a beginner, I do not expect you to begin your preaching oddly. No.Never you.
You will not enjoy the reception of the passengers in the bus. Don't
you know Nigerian problems.
Tell that young "sister" next to you that she must "get it" this year.
It doesn't matter what she get.
Tell that miserably looking conductor that gave you the privilege of
not paying transport fare that his story must CHANGE. Sound
convincing, be creative enough to include "thus say the lord". Good
start.

Bind, curse the devil, reject sudden deaths, holy ghost fire
poverty-you need this very prayer more. Promised that fierce looking
young man, bathed with heat, a "good job this year". You are getting
there.
Be careful, don't get carried away. It has happened before, so don't.
I am sure you want to own a private jet, own an edifice, own a
university, revered as "general overseer". I mean "GO". I am very sure
about that, so you must play safe.

Preach only good things. You are just a beginner. I repeat, "only good things".
Avoid the mentioning of thieves, smokers, lairs, womanizers,
politicians etc. It hammers badly, don't be hammered.
Do you want to run a risk of getting nothing from the envelope you
would pass round for tithe offering?. It has happened before.
I must...........................


To be continued on my soon to be published book "A LONG WHIP". You
will be informed.

All right reserved.

Follow on Twitter @BnSpeaks

BENNETH'S LONG WHIP; HOW TO HAMMER QUICKLY IN NIGERIA.

Nigeria. Money is very difficult to make in this country. There is no
point wasting our good energies, having argument over this. It is just
a fact. Do not doubt it, believe me.

According to the newest statistics published by United Poverty Agency,
over 70 percent of the Nigerian population are poor and unemployed.
Ok, sorry I made that up. There is nothing as such Agency. But it is a
fact, good numbers of the Nigerian population are ridiculously poor.
Pity. Not just the poor, even the "rich" can testify. It is hard to
hammer. People who used to feed well are now "watching weight". Do not
ask me the cause, you know the cause, we all know. Okay?.

You must believe me, do not doubt, to hammer in Nigeria is not easy.
Never, seriously never. It requires time, reasoning, efforts and emh
emh.....may be some stroke of luck. And you know what? Money is very
crucial in Nigeria. If you don't have money in Nigeria, you are no
number. Just nobody. Failure to hammer, with no reasonable bank
account, is to never have lived. Your pastor may have condemned money
in the strongest term, money is the root of all evil. Don't mind him,
he is deceiving you. That quote, he culled from the Bible, let be
serious here, this is Nigeria. Embrace reality.

Hammering is crucial-very crucial, I must emphasise. Everyone wants to
hammer, but not all have the knowledge to hammer. Do not worry, don't
lose sleep, I will teach you. I will show you.

Many have (and still making) made the unacceptable mistake of trying
to hammer in the wrong way. Everything has a rule. Don't make that
mistake, it is avoidable. Try it and get something, you may not
survive the mistake. Many had done it, you know what they got? They
got hammered. Tragic.

Don't be hammered like the 23 out of 60,000 Nigerians who left their
homes to sit for the Nigerian immigration service (NIS) recruitment
examination. Trying to hammer, they were badly hammered to their
unanticipated graves. Please, observe a minutes silence for their
souls........May their gentle hammered souls, rest in perfect peace.
Amen.
God forbid that this should happen to you. Getting hammered, trying to
hammer. God forbid, I say God forbid. Don't make that mistake. Please
don't. You are warned. Benneth has adequately warned you. It is better
not to hammer than to be hammered. It sometimes, depends on the type
of hammer, but whichever hammer, getting hammered is not a good idea.
You will enjoy it. Be careful.

Trying to hammer in the wrong way is extremely undesirable. Do not
think of it. If you dream of it, you must consult a "serious" pastor.
If you are a traditionalist seek "Amadioha", I am no joking. It is by
trying to hammer in the wrong way that a young girl got hammered at
"Alaba Lagos Phone" market. Her clothes ripped off, footage of her
getting hammered, circulating like Ebola on the internet. A grandiose
humiliation. Don't let that unfortunate humiliation befriend you. If
it woo you, Chioma Ajunwa. If it pester you, try becoming Usian Bolt.
It helps. Never let that happen to you. You must listen to me now,
stealing a handset is never the best way to hammer. What is handset?.
Forget it. Command the devil to get behind you, don't worry, he will
not push you from behind.
Thank you for accepting my advice. If you didn't, I don't know what
else to tell you.

Now How To Hammer Fast In Nigeria.

Church business. I know many people in this business. Sorry, I do not
like calling it business. Ok, let have it one more......emh I know
many people in God's vineyard. Perfect?.

You must trust me now. You really need to trust me. I am no Nigerian
politician, so I will not blind you. I will not deceive you. So
listen. You must listen with uninterrupted attention. Be not like the
NEPA, just be as steady as the Nigerian corruption. You may not
understand this, but it is important. It is crucial.

Yes, I must warn you now.If you are not brave enough to hammer, please
stop reading. It is not for the fainthearted. But if you are composed,
with a lion heart, good job.

.This is a solid instruction manual on how to hammer as a Nigerian
business man. Oh, forgetful me, apologies. It should be; a Nigerian
pastor. I am sorry once again.
My job is to help you learn how to hammer,and your job is to listen.
Please listen, I repeat listen. Getting hammered is easily avoidable.
Follow my guideline irrespective of its elementary pattern. It's for
your own sage. Deal?.

STEP 1.

Starting from the scratch.
I must tell you the truth, never will I deceive you, you must start
from somewhere. You don't build mansion from the roof. There is
something called "Foundation". It is not easy, I must quickly
emphasise. It was not easy for Barack Obama (not a pastor anywhere),
it was not easy for Mandela, it is not easy for
..jona...jona...never mind. It is not necessary, but I did not make
that up. It is on Tv. I don't lie, never will.

But in politics, we need to talk differently. This is not politics,
so I am not telling you lies, you must start from somewhere.
Start from bus preaching. You need to train your voice , don't sound
like frog. Preaching is a big business. It is as profitable as oil
wells, take it serious.
Preach well and hammer well, preach pathetically and get pathetically
hammered. Simple.
It is not all about preaching, you need to dress well. Preaching and
outfit works pari pasu, note it well. Constantly remind yourself that
getting hammered is avoidable, oh yes it is.
Please do not disgrace Nigerian pastorship, you need good and tasty packaging.
Nigerians are not like Congolese that admire whatever you step into.
Nigerians are choosy and fashioning,you must work hard to earn their
admiration. This is Nigeria, I emphases, this is Nigeria not Congo.Do
not look like something that picked it's way from the slum and expect
Nigerians to regard you. Wrong move. They will be scared. In fact that
is a step in getting financial hammered. You will not sell and having
an impression of "a man of God" in their gullible minds is purely
unachievable. And that is a wrong step.
Must. Wear something nice, preferably a "suit"( official outfit for
this business). It does not matter if you borrowed it from a
neighbouring dry cleaner. Nobody will know.
But you ought to be careful, the real owner might be a passenger in
the bus you are preaching. Be smart, if he catches you-I pray not
so-quote the verses to verses. Ensure you lay emphasis on "touch not
my anointed and do no harm to my prophet". Don't forget this, it
helps. It has helped a business pastor before. I will not deceive you.
Deal?.

Now, you must be elaborate with words. Don't speak verbatim as written
in the Bible. You must painstakingly choose your words.
As a beginner, I do not expect you to begin your preaching oddly. No.Never you.
You will not enjoy the reception of the passengers in the bus. Don't
you know Nigerian problems.
Tell that young "sister" next to you that she must "get it" this year.
It doesn't matter what she get.
Tell that miserably looking conductor that gave you the privilege of
not paying transport fare that his story must CHANGE. Sound
convincing, be creative enough to include "thus say the lord". Good
start.

Bind, curse the devil, reject sudden deaths, holy ghost fire
poverty-you need this very prayer more. Promised that fierce looking
young man, bathed with heat, a "good job this year". You are getting
their.
Be careful, don't get carried away. It has happened before, so don't.
I am sure you want to own a private jet, own an edifice, own a
university, revered as "general overseer". I mean "GO". I am very sure
about that, so you must play safe.

Preach only good things. You are just a beginner. I repeat, "only good things".
Avoid the mentioning of thieves, smokers, lairs, womanizers,
politicians etc. It hammers badly, don't be hammered.
Do you want to run a risk of getting nothing from the envelope you
would pass round for tithe offering?. It has happened before.
I must...........................


To be continued on my soon to be published book "A LONG WHIP". You
will be informed.

All right reserved.

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